1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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