We're facebook friends in real life
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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