Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
