I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
