I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
