well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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