i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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