i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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