I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
