What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
