you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
