You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
