Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
