This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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