I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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