What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
