My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
