I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
