Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
