She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
