I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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