I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
