Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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