I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
