And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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