you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
