But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
