I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
