I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
false alarm. still invincible.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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