next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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