What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
