He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
