If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
