He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize