dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
