I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
