I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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