She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
