True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
