Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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