The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
