I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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