farters have to be the big spoon...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
