im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
