She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
