it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
