to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
