The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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