come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You smell like stripper and shame
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize