just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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