just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
did you just send me my own nude
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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