please come you make the beer taste better
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
