I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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