I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
