you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
