drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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