Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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