My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize