I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
